Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Get to know the risks before reading this blog

The lawyers from IGDP - Risk Management in Hong Kong require us to post these warnings:

This blog contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Side effects include dementia, explosive vomiting, and in extreme cases, death. Printing this blog will result in exposure to toner, a known carcinogen.

OMB Political Disclosure: BE FRIGHTENED! This blog contains outlandish claims of imminent disaster if you don't do what I want. As such it will be evaluated by an Obama Catastrophe Czar, who may choose to award it the Threat Level 3000 award if it can be shown to scare the tar out of people, leaving them cowering in their highly leveraged houses, waiting to hear the next Obama announcement.

NC Cost Disclosure: 57,000 copies of this blog were prepared at a cost of $0.04 per announcement to the taxpayer. 36,994 copies were lost in a violent incident involving a goat and a shredder. Another 20,000 copies were lost when we stored them in the dumpster, which led dumpster divers to believe they were free organic toilet paper. "It hurts, so it's green."
16 goats were slaughtered as part of our preprint rituals at a cost of $0.90 per announcement. Those receiving kosher posts cost an extra $0.03 per announcement. NC state residents should send a check for 7.75% of these amounts to the state Treasurer.

Safe harbor statement: This release includes forward-looking statements intended to qualify for the safe harbor from liability established by the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. It is thus 28% safer than blogs without this information.

IRS requirement: Reading this blog may require an amortization of viewing expenses accelerated at a 5 to 1 ratio if viewing began before Aug 7, 1934. Viewing beginning after that time may require an amortization rate of 3.7. Use form 109-blog to calculate your calculations. See subsection C for more important details. Subsection C will be published July 1, 2010. Estimate the effects of subsection C using form 109-C-temp as you will be liable for all charges at the end of the current tax year. Substantial penalties for early withdrawal.

Another State of CA disclosure: This blog contains products know to the state of California to cause cancer. Wearing sunglasses or standing on one leg may mitigate this risk.

FDA disclosure: This blog is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. However, it really really works. Sham-wow! away your ear wax.

PETA disclosure: The goats (or mountain kittens) killed above were really mean, almost evil. They had it coming.
No, I'm gonna say truly evil. They would give you the stink eye like you can't imagine - it was like they were eating
your soul.

Patriotism disclosure: This blog is not now, nor has it ever been, a member of the communist party.

This disclosure cannot be disclosed, and we can't say why.

Full side effect disclosure: In a randomized, double-blind clinical trail, readers of this blog reported nausea, severe
projectile vomiting, rash, emotional confusion, dementia, a constant hunger, inability to eat, itching, chills or fever,
fatigue or hyperactiveness, extreme hair growth or loss, sterility, hyper-fertility, mild brain damage, or death.

Organic statement: This blog has been published using fresh, free-range, cruelty-free, ionized Heisenberg brand electrons.

Medicinal Announcement: Certain medicines may reduce your ability to safely read this blog. If it takes more than 4 hours to read this blog, talk to your doctor.


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