Sunday, November 22, 2009

Garlic Fries and Economic Ethics: An Historical Perspective

It's Sunday night after night church. It's our only church - we don't get up early.

(Not necessarily worth a blog post, I thought but the people who were there said it deserved commemoration. Concerning the horrid events last night post church at what was supposed to be a love feast at Tyler's. Trigger earns a fry-strong wrist band for not backing down on his fries to J--. Yet...).

Not but an hour past a message of scarcity being a done thing at the communion homily, scarcity hit the fan at dinner. Let us take guidance from the witnesses of the past.

From "A Faithful Understanding of Economics," 1261 AD, Saint Rusty of the Shack:

The fundamental question is not are there enough fries? This is an etherial gnostic issue. The incarnate question is why were there not enough fries that night? The solution to the fries shortage, some puritans may say, is to sacrificest thou fries for another. But this misses the truth that more fries layeth 100 meters away in the kitchen, where an abundance of fries, rotting in the putrescent opulence of their unused quantity, just as the parable of the two barns predicteth. Petty fighting and stealing amongst the masses, a total breakdown in social order, imposition of mandatory tips, skirting the rules on splitting tabs doe large parties, near rioting - these are the results of rationing arbitrarily based on green pieces of paper or worse still paperless remuneration, a sign of the end times as sure as the Olsen twins reproducing.

This leads certainly to the conclusion - the means of fry production belongs to the eatertariat! The masses must claim what is theirs.

The them is us: Your insistence on paying off student loans, my insistance on not draining our 401k, certain women's insistence on wearing clothes other than those boughteth at the Costco, music fans who must pursue music made after 1998. Selah. We give the power to the beast by returning our riches unto his lair and bely the truth that scarcity is no longer amongst us.

In the short term, fry stimulus may soften the shortage. However, only a benevolent, authoritarian state directly representing and controlling the masses can reprioritze the creation and distribution of fries to relieve this artificial fry shortage. Eaters of the world unite! The streets will flow with the ketchup of the non-believers!

This is part of one an 1800 part series: the author embarrasses himself.


Mindy said...

Okay, so I don't really understand all that happened, but even 6 years ago when I lived in Da Hill, Tyler's was always running out of fries. How do they stay in business if they're still having problems with the fries?!

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